I have always wanted to be a vessel for God's work. I thought that meant doing all I could for everyone else. My "God-dreams" have always been big. First, I wanted to be a nurse to help the sick, the dying, the scared. I love it, but it wasn't enough.
Then, I wanted to help others feel beautiful & confident & reach the masses for an even bigger impact... so I opened a boutique. I give women pep talks on a regular basis when they are feeling insecure about their body, about their "fat stomachs, & thick legs" & who look to clothing only to cover up what they see as physical flaw. I get the honor of pointing out the beauty that is so evident to me when they stand before me, scrutinizing every part of the body God designed for her. The look on her face when she tries on something unexpected & sees herself for the first time in too long. The pride a woman feels after saving money to finally buy something for herself, that makes her feel lovable & worthy & beautiful. What I do gives me pure joy, you guys. I LOVE it, but it still wasn't enough.
I expanded into makeup. This one is amazing. It's not just those who want a clean, simple makeup routine that come to me. I see women who always wanted to learn, but had broken relationships with their mother; who lost their mom at a young age & were raised by only their cosmetically clueless dad; women who left abusive relationships, who were always told they weren't beautiful no matter how much makeup they put on, who wore more makeup to cover the bruises. Basically, selling Maskcara became a way for me to connect to women with more than skin-deep hurts. I've seen women's hearts begin to heal, simply by learning a skill that I've always taken for granted. This is a passion of mine, but - you guessed it - still not enough.
There was still a nagging feeling in my heart that there's more I should be doing. I could never quite put my finger on it, until I had a new acquaintance make a comment that stopped me dead in my tracks. "I wish I was more like you. How do you do it all?"
Oofta. The answer to this question, only I knew the answer to. It cut me like a knife, because for the first time I realized that my desire to help other women stemmed from an inability to help myself. I was struggling every single day with a secret nobody knew a thing about, including those closest to me.
Bulimia.
For the first time, I realized how much shame I was holding in. I had somehow become addicted to helping others to cover the fact that I was addicted to throwing up everything I ate. Some days, it was every single thing I put in. Some days, it was only the extra calories I didn't want. Some days, I would eat just so I could make myself puke it back out. One day, it was just a means to prevent myself from gaining wait, while the next it was a coping mechanism every time I felt stressed, depressed, out of control. I don't know how it got so bad.
That person who wanted to be "more like me" had no idea how sick I had secretly become. But she might have saved my life that day, because she made me realize it. & I finally knew I needed to get some real help.
Instead of looking for that help at the bottom of a toilet like I usually would have done, I admitted it out loud for the first time in my life. I had been watching a friend post on social media about a program that changed her life. In the present, she looked perfect, like she had it all together, like someone I wanted to be more like. Like me, she had a back story of struggles with food & body image & depression & hopelessness. Unlike me, she was overcoming it & helping others do the same. One of the hardest things I ever did was tell her my secret & ask her help me. I lost a lot of weight that day. Not the physical kind... the heavier kind. She picked it up off my shoulders that day & I just let her.
Fast forward about 2 months from that day. I was just completing my first 6 week round. I had been clean from binging & purging since the day I first confided in her. I felt better than ever - I was eating the right amounts of the right foods, learning to release the guilt of fueling my body. I had more energy, I was finally sleeping, I was drinking less alcohol, moving my body more. I could see results. But for the first time in awhile, I felt what I'd been missing all those years of helping others in order to prove to myself that I wasn't helpless. I felt liberated from my own mind, free from the clutches of food. I finally felt enough.
You wouldn't believe the lies that women tell themselves, that they truly believe... myself included. It wasn't until I started helping myself & accepting help from others, that helping others became enough for me. I still LOVE being a nurse. I LOVE owning my own retail business & teaching women to accentuate the beauty they already have with clothing & makeup. Because now, I also LOVE my authentic self & treat her as such. So now, coaching.
I want to help other women the way Britt helped me. I want to teach women to help themselves by accepting help from others. I want to teach women to give themselves the grace & kindness they give to everyone else, that they forget they, too, deserve. To invest in their own mental & physical health. Because, as women, for some reason, we feel that if we don't put every other person before ourselves, it means we love them less. It doesn't even make sense.
I'm telling you. Nothing you do will never be enough if you aren't taking care of yourself. The weight of this world is too heavy to carry all by ourselves. We have got to let someone carry it with us, & sometimes completely for us. Because, with the right kind of help, we can be enough. & when we are enough, everything else we do is, too.
If this resonates with you - if you have been missing something yourself - looking for a way to get out of whatever darkness you're in - looking for someone to help lift you - this is your sign. I am here to help you every. step. of the way. Click here for more info on the health & wellness lifestyle program that is changing women's lives all over the country, including mine. & if you don't have interest in the FASTer Way program, that's fine, too. I'm still here, to help in any way that I can. You need only to ask.
Comments